family – Ink, Yarn & Beer

A Tribute to Janus

I am at an age where looking forward shows little time left – I could be dead in a year for some reason! – and looking back makes me appreciate many of the people I have known and met, things I have done, adventures I have had. Making the best of time left is a major goal, and as Clint Eastwood said, “I wake up every morning and don’t let the old man in.” Let’s change it to “old lady” and take it from there.

I have lived in different parts of the country, mid-west, west coast, east coast, upstate New York. I have taken trips throughout the country, sailed in the British Virgin Islands, been stuck in airports overnight far too many times. Siblings live in Wisconsin and Colorado. Relatives are scattered throughout the country, many I have never met because of my immediate family moving every few months for several years, and we never went back to visit. It makes me sad in some ways, and feel empathy for my mother who was often home alone in a strange community with 4 kids to raise and a husband overseas in some mysterious place for many weeks or months at a time. It wasn’t easy for her, nor us, nor my father – connections that could have been were easily broken.

Sentiment is not something I “do” – broken ties mean just moving on to the next adventure. This is not necessarily a bad thing as being weighed down by the past can be a challenge, but it does bring a sense of disconnect from other people and a lack of willingness to risk a connection that can be severed. Loss is part of it, but there is expectation, too – what lies around the corner? New adventures await!

We are used to long road trips, taking several weeks to travel here and there. They are so fun – sometimes tiring – but there is a certain level of Zen that accompanies them. The time passes differently when confined to a car for hours. What is there to do? I often knit on a mindless project, daydream, chat with Josh, look at the landscape, snap crappy pictures out of the window. Country and towns flash by. Then we stop for 2 or 3 days in a town, explore it, and move on. There are a number of places we would like to visit again, and perhaps we shall.

In a couple of months, we will be taking our first trip overseas. We have been to Canada and Mexico, but in the fall we will be flying to Rekyavik and cruising to Barcelona. Stops on the way include Liverpool, Dublin, A Coruna, Lisbon, Porto, Malaga, Valencia, and then Barcelona. From there we travel to Almunecar to visit friends for a week. Then home.

While I look back on travels, I also look forward. New places to see, different cultures, good friends. This could be our first and last trip to the Old World, but one to certainly treasure and enjoy with memories and pictures and experiences.

Stalking the Photographer

Out for a walk the other day, camera in hand, and at the local park, I noticed this mother and her kids rock hopping in the creek. I saw her husband and tried to keep him out of the photo since he was taking pictures, too. Little did I notice his shadow, camera in hand, until I took a look at my photos! I think this is pretty funny, and I certainly doubt I would have ever succeeded if I had tried!

The End of a Year

Like most people, I look back over the past year, I look ahead to the new year. New years are like morning – something to anticipate. Yesterday is the past, and so is a past year. There is a bit of melancholy in looking back as awareness of passing time grows more acute each year but, it is always offset by the anticipation of the future. I don’t know if other people feel like that, but to me there is always an element of joyful anticipation even in times of gloom and sadness. I’ve lived long enough to know nothing lasts forever, but the patterns repeat, and therein lives hope. There is enough change and enough consistency. And I prefer to dwell on hope rather than despair – but to avoid it is foolish.

So, what has happened in this past year? For me, the most difficult thing has been the loss of my closest friend on November 30th. I am not lost because of his death, but just feeling a loneliness. On the other hand, I have rekindled a friendship from years ago that could prove to be a pleasant addition to my life. A door closes. A door opens.

I have also learned and realized a lot about my family – my parents in particular. I found two letters, one from my mother, one from my father. The first was a letter written by my mother 6 months before she married my father. The second letter was one written by my father 12 years later. While the contents are personal and private, what was most important was seeing my parents as people in a very different perspective – such different personalities and approaches to life! I think of the grasshopper and the ant in Aesop’s fables – my mother had the gaiety of the grasshopper but lacked foresight, went along for the moment, and my father was the ant, always planning and working toward the future, but often failing to value the moment he was in. (I’m sort of both!)

In some ways – perhaps in many ways – 2022 was about re-evaluating life and people. As I move more into retirement and into free time, I am less concerned with the connections -the ongoing desire for connections – with people, but more appreciative of them when they occur. It is so easy to want more from others than is realistic with copious free time, and it takes a bit of effort to rein it in. Once done, though, a bit of disappointment – but again, another door opens, and there are things to look forward to doing and experiencing.

For me, life is always a balancing act. There is sorrow and sadness, there is joy and hope. Reality is a harsh teacher, but if you pay attention, there is much to be learned and the subtle pleasures of little things – like the yellow volunteer flower on my doorstep – remind you that the small individual person, event, critter, plant, in the big, vast world has a whole universe within to be explored.

So, welcome to 2023!

Thoughts Before the Big Blow

Politics, weather, pandemic. I think it is all making me even crazier than before. We can expect 40 mph winds on Tuesday. The temperature will be cooler than the 90F of yesterday, so hopefully less chance of fires. It’s like the end times so many look forward to, but not me – I like my life! Still, there is an interesting bit of stress going on that I can only equate to living in a war zone of some sort. We just don’t know what is going to happen. I wonder if what I am feeling can be equated to what people and families went through when WW2 was beginning – a sense of unease and that the fabric of life is not what you think it is supposed to be. It’s a very strange feeling.

So, the Big Blow. Some areas are going to get 80 mph winds – not quite hurricane strength, but certainly strong. People in the midwest have gotten those just recently along with a lot of snow. That doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Can you imagine your roof flying off? I know that several years ago parts of Great Britain got them and villages were cut off and food supplies and other stuff needed coptering in. At least here we have a lot of things, and the stores are open. And no snow. Even further back, upstate New York had horrific blizzards, and livelihoods were lost amongst the farmers, especially dairies. Cows died because they couldn’t be milked without electricity.

I’m just blithering around thinking about things. Nothing profound, but I have finally had a few minutes to sit down to reflect as I have been really busy today. We had to get some tools for Josh’s car project, so we looked at plants and bulbs and seeds. Then I talked with Am, our aunt who has been working hard in the hospital caring for Covid patients. She is doing really well despite it all, and it was good to have a chance to hear how things are. Then, off to buy some computer stuff – our keyboards are worn out, and as I had to replace my old computer last week, I am still catching up with it, installing software on it, coordinating printers and scanners. It is a pain but now that things are sorted, this is my first post using the new computer, keyboard, mouse, etc. No new monitors as I got those awhile back for my birthday. Luckily, I know a fair amount about computers so it is not challenging, just time consuming.

The studio, though, has been the scene of upheaval. Computers need cords and such, and while you are down there sorting things out, you better get into the dust and debris that lurks under the desk. I did, and while it wasn’t awful, it was good to sort stuff out by vacuuming and untangling cables. Now I need to place things back where they belong so I can find a paint brush or a camera. Finally, sewing – the new space is working out well. I’ve made an apron and two pairs of jammy pants for Josh; time for me to get something!

Despite all the external upheaval, things are pleasant around here. We are fortunate to have good family and friends and good health. Not much to gripe about at all.

Time to get out on the bike for the next adventure!

Disappointment & Enlightenment

Disappointment: The meetup experience did not go well.

Being interrupted and being told “you are wrong,” in no uncertain terms by an old geezer, and then being attacked by the group leader for telling the geezer to let me finish talking and stop interrupting, is wrong.

Further in the session, the geezer told someone “those are the rules” without clarification. What rules? How to put a sentence together? What do you mean? Explain, please.

My initial impression of the moderator was not impressive – he felt needy and off-balance somehow.

Facing the geezer, my first thought was here is a man used to being in power and control, who feels it is okay to interrupt others.

Rudeness and ego-centrism do not have a place in a group such as this. Other groups I have been in have not had these elements from either members or the moderator.

I am sad, too, as I had looked forward to becoming part of a community of writers. The other members of the group were good, and there was some talented writing.

Enlightenment: While disappointed by this experience, it also served to make very clear to me something which had been rumbling around in my head for some time: Scheduling things to do on my days off does not always work in my favor.

Each time I schedule something that needs some work – such as a writing meetup – it means a lot of focus on that event. If it becomes something that takes up a lot of time and energy without reward, ultimately I am exhausted. As an introvert, quiet time with self-reflection and thought is a necessity for self-renewal.

Scheduling time with people I value, doing things I enjoy, is a completely different thing. I come away refreshed and joyful.

I knew this before the meetup. I know this now even better than before. My choices are very clear.