Tag: depression

Adaptation

Technology is taking over so much of our lives during this whole Covid-19 pandemic. Some of it is great, some is not so great. We won’t get into political meddling and hacking here, which really is fake news anyway! Instead, let’s look at how technology is at least keeping us all from living in isolation and ignorance, like troglodytes in a cave.

First off, let’s look at teleconferencing and meetings and phone calls. Being retired at just the right time, I don’t have to deal with converting classroom materials into online resources for free, that is, being expected to write curriculum on my own time. Many teachers I know are doing this, and the truth is, the amount of time they put in would cost a district far more than they would want to pay – that is, in the K-12 arena. While I am a proponent of in-class and in-person teaching, this virus precludes it from being realistic. Sadly, not everyone and every place has good internet connections, and not everyone can afford a computer or tablet, much less parents who can help. It’s just not realistic. But in the private realm, the TV-like qualities let us see family and friends face-to-face and enjoy their company. It helps, but does not replace in-person contact.

Besides phone calls and virtual medicine, I am entering into the new age with signing up for a virtual classroom this fall to continue the pastels class which was interrupted by the lockdown across the state of California. I have no idea how well it will go. The instructor struggled with the overhead projector, so I hope she is getting good training for the class. I know I would need it as I really don’t like that kind of stuff, particularly if I am expected to learn it on my own without pay. This was a hallmark of my school – you should be happy to donate your money and time to our students! (Yes, I was actually told that, but as an hourly employee, I expect to get paid – salaried would be a different story!) Back to the classroom. Other people I know have done this, and the results vary from person, teacher, etc. I’ll give it a shot.

Next, if you cannot teleconference, or don’t want to, you can meet in person. Social distancing does work, and it also helps to relieve the sense of isolation that builds with not having valuable time with people you like face-to-face. 3D is very important when it comes to people, I think! I like being around people. So, I am taking a chance and meeting up later this morning for a portrait drawing class in a park, on picnic tables, wearing a mask, bringing my alcohol spray and wipes, and settling down 6 feet apart. The weather is fine this morning, a bit misty, but is should burn off by the time class begins. I don’t think the risk is greater than going to the market.  How people behave will determine if I go again.

However, not all education cannot be held outdoors or online! Where I live, outdoors is more do-able, but in the heat of the Arizona desert or in the blizzards of Frostbite Falls, MN, not so easily done. As we move along in this new world, we will find new ways of doing things. It is challenging and creative, as well as annoying and dispiriting. Human contact is important, and some of us need more and some need less. As a retired person, my world is now severely limited and human contact is usually going to the market. It is creating a level of mild depression, and that is not something that is easily dealt with at times.

This is why I am taking the risk of an outdoor drawing class – an activity with others, others with a shared interest. Before the pandemic, I had rejoined my photo club and weavers guild, started pastels and pencil portrait classes, and so on. Then, a screeching halt. A few months of isolation is okay, but months and months begins to wear you down. We all need to decide how to adapt to our new times. We take classes, connect outdoors with those we love, exercise, whatever – but in the end, I really believe we all need face-to-face human contact. At least I have that opportunity and access to good technology (and an IT guy for a spouse to help), and a willingness to try new things. And a willingness to risk it with sensible precautions.

Isolation, Boredom, and Depression in the Time of Covid-19

Jolly title, don’t you think? But, it is stuff we all need to think about.

Once more, here in California we are back to shelter-in-place, places being mandated to be closed, and keeping contacts to a minimum. It’s no hoax, this coronavirus, and we have no desire to tempt fate, or virus gods, but by the same token, where do you draw a line? If the virus doesn’t kill you, isolation, boredom, and depression is probably killing some and may kill others.

It is important to acknowledge the negative effects all these have on others and yourself. From there, devising and working at strategies to counter all these is vital for survival and, hopefully, returning to a sense of thriving. A failure to acknowledge these negative effects, avoiding them, does no one any good as it is a perpetration of a  massive lie and denial of reality.  Facing these awful things gives us truths, and from there, actions to change the effects of these realities.

Life is not returning to normal, no matter what we are being told, or would like to believe. It may never return to the previous status quo – how can it? Our federal government is not doing much to help. There are daily lies and threats. That is depressing. It is also frightening. Fearful of our futures and fates, what can we do? It breeds a sense of helplessness, and that leads to all sorts of trouble.

It’s not like there is any fixed goal, such as vanquishing a tangible enemy, but rather an insidious, invisible foe. While we do not have children and aren’t out of work, I cannot but wonder how families are coping with home schooling and working at the same time, how people are coping with a lack of food, money or places to live. The US has few safety nets for people, and our culture of the rugged individual against the world is uncharitable. Self-reliance is important, but mutual aid is equally important, especially in troubled times. Now, we are isolated to stay healthy, and what few communities we may have are being taken away from us.

I admit it: this isolation and lack of social contact is taking its toll on me. I am depressed. I am bored. I am beginning to stay at home far too much; some health issues are preventing outings for now, and a number of my friends are ensconced in their own health and family issues. Texting is not a conversation or connection. A phone call is a rarity these days – it seems no one makes phone calls and has conversations like they used to do. Seeing a close friend or family member isn’t happening, and if it does happen, you wonder about the consequences. These daily intimacies, so taken for granted, have been removed from our normal lives. Finding fulfillment is difficult at this point.

This, to me, is what it must have been like to live in the uncertain times of WW2, or as a family who had members overseas fighting one of America’s stupid wars. Anxiety about loved ones. Fear about the future. A lack of accessibility to material goods. Not seeing the ones you love as they die alone in nursing homes. Wondering if you will end up in the hospital without access to medical care. These deprivations are not the norm for most of us. Doing without is the new norm, and while certain physical deprivations can be handled, the fear and isolation of normal human interactions preys upon the mind and spirit in sneaky ways. This is where self-reliance and introspection are necessary; making decisions to do something or not do something is an investment in yourself and others.

Writing about the effects of isolation, boredom, and depression helps me clarify what is going on in my murky emotions. Thinking about these and giving them names takes away their nameless horror. From there, yes, I can work on changing the nature of my daily life. I will get out of the house more, make a phone call to those who enjoy talking with me and ignore those who don’t seem to care, or let go of those who do not have the ability, such as a friend who is critically ill right now, and whose company I dearly miss. Valuing what I have and taking action is far better than wallowing in the fog of not thinking about the truth of what is my reality.

Yep, very self-centered. Understanding the inner world is vital for acting in the external world. Aimless actions and mindless reactions do little for me. I don’t feel my way around life, but try to find my place and the place of others within the context of my own reality. Then, perhaps, I can be of some help to others rather than a depressing blob of hopelessness.

Perspective

These past few months I feel I have been drowning in a sea of stress, most of which has been precipitated by external events.  The main event was the springtime RIF (reduction in force), which in education is becoming an annual event.  This pushed me to take the CBEST, which is the “California Basic Educational Skills Test.”  I did this to add to my credential – but until I get a job in any one of my qualifying areas, I’ve just got a letter stating I am qualified.  I added eight adult subjects.  All this took up most of January and some of February, with my attending classes every weekend until I took the test.  The Ides of March date for RIFs (in California) passed me by, but over 200 colleagues in a district with 900 teachers received RIFs.  The final notice date will not be until May 15th; the classified will know on April 30th.  While my period of employment / no employment has passed, others are still in line.

Stress takes its toll.  Blood pressure rises, sleep becomes overwhelmingly desired or impossible, depression and a sense of helplessness are constant companions.  Fatigue makes functioning a challenge at times; for me, this fatigue is mental.  The making of a decision is hard.  To focus on one thing is elusive as restlessness causes me to pick something up, and then put it down.  Reading, moving, thinking, doing, accomplishing are too much effort even though I know that once I start actually doing them, and determined to finish them, much of that hill of inertia begins to disappear.  However, that hill is really a Mt. Everest in size.

Perspective, though, does make an opening through all of this.  I am not as bad off as some, and certainly worse off than others.  I know what I want to do, and I know how positive completing something – reaching a milestone, putting another step forward – is.

All this came together for me when I read Kate Davies’ current post on her blog Needled.  She suffered a sudden, unexpected stroke several weeks ago.  Reading her writings of her life post-stroke are painful and inspiring, a solid reminder of the fragility of our own daily existence, as well as our ability, and need, to move beyond the current limitations of life, whether physical, mental, emotional, circumstantial.  Today’s post, invisible metaphors, spoke of many things and works she was reading.  Kate requested input for reading material, and that is when I remembered this poem I read in my teens, found in an old schoolbook of my father’s, that has provided a light in the darkness for me over the years.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

–William Ernest Henley

Human history continues, individually and collectively.  Perspective can shift attitude.  “Fake it ’til you make it.”  Pandora’s box.  1 Corinthians 13.  Viktor Frankl.

Forget this, and all may be lost.