Tag: choices

Mesa, Sunrise: Practice!

Every artist practices.  Pianists do scales.  Painters paint.  I, on the other hand, have never been fond of practicing anything because I always want to do.  However, I am finding myself rather stumped at the moment, and have decided I do need to practice.  I need to practice brush strokes and colors.  I realized this after I lay down this wash for the mesa and lower portions of the painting, which for now are at a standstill.

Looking at everything, I am thinking about two things.  What colors should I use?  What brush should I use?

Colors don’t require a brush choice, so I have dabbled with reds for the mesa, as you can see below.  There are combinations of Burnt Sienna, Quin Gold, Yellow Ochre, Raw Umber, Organic Vermilion, and Pyrrol Orange.  Doing these early in the morning, I didn’t label them.  That’s okay, because  I know the colors I used, and I will check them out during daylight.

Next, I need to decide on a brush.  I am inclined to go with a flat, so I can draw straight across to show the sedimentary layers of rock.  Those I will get to sometime tomorrow and then choose colors and – yes! – practice making some strokes and mixing the colors strong enough to make some good contrasts, too.

Toward the Horizon

The past work year has been very high stress because of the people involved.  I don’t handle stress well from a physical perspective.  I internalize everything, and the result is a chronically upset stomach and labile hypertension.  The fact that I could work 20 hours a day and still be behind does not help.  This makes me feel guilty.  And that just kicks off another cycle of stress and anxiety.  Other people’s horrific behavior doesn’t help.  Needless to say, all of this is wreaking havoc.

This morning some newspaper had an article about the fact the brain is hardwired to look toward the future, giving us a sense of hope and belief that things will be better.  Optimists do not tend to die from illnesses which kill the pessimist.  (That was good news!)  All my life, I have been an optimist, much to the disgust of some people.  I do not see black where others might – I’ll see a shade of grey.  This is the key to my survival.

The other day, a very close friend read me the riot act about how I should not let all these things affect me.  It really pissed me off!  And the truth, is I know I should not, but the fact is, it is impossible to not be affected by it.  For some people, it is easy to let things go.  Not me.  I chew things over, mull, stew, intellectualize, think about my feelings, feel my thoughts.  That is my process.  It is slow and tedious, but it works.  I’m still here.

Nonetheless, the proverbial kick in the ass was a catalyst.  You see, I respect this person’s perspectives.  In my mind, I know I should not let these people upset me so much, but in my heart, they do.  I have been drowning in this mess, and now it is time to swim toward shore.

Visually, I love pictures with paths.  Paths down to the beach.  Paths leading to a corner.  Paths leading up a hill.  Paths lead places, and what awaits around the corner is always exciting and new.  Yeah, you may not like it when you get there, but c’est la vie.  The key is knowing that if a path leads in, a path leads out.

So, I’ve reminded myself of that one fact.  I’m trudging up a path, away from where I am now, and heading in a new direction.  I’m short of breath and winded, but not dead.  My mind still functions, my emotions are intact.  I’m still an optimist, still looking for a new adventure, even if a bit nervous about it.  I may not be able to control the external events, but the internal ones I can rein in, and remember this as I head toward another horizon.

Push

For the last several weeks I’ve been feeling constrained by things and people around me.  Union meetings.  Cuts in education.  Students.  All of these create a suffocating cloud of stress and worry.

It is easy to drown in such circumstances, give in to depression or despair, to feel and become a victim.  Some people do get overwhelmed by such things, but each and everyone of us needs to look at it.  What are we contributing to the mess?  What is external and simply is, no matter what we do?  What can we change?  What can we not change?

Well, I cannot change the financial mess that is the state of California.  I cannot change its impact on education.  I know my students will move on.  I don’t have any idea what the union has in store for us, if they even understand what it is that my small coterie of educators do.  That I might be able to impact.  But if the final rule is that my hours are cut, well, such is life, pick up, move on.

This realization hit me as I was driving in to work the other morning.  What can I do if there are more free hours in the week?  Can we make it on less money?  Should I look for an additional job?  Do I want to?  (No!)  If I do look for another job, what would I look for?  Shall I work in another area?  I am beginning to take action by considering options.

The proverbial “window of opportunity” is here.

Open it.

Look out.

Fresh air.