Time

Since I put in my resignation and applied for my retirement funds, an interesting shift in viewpoint or perspective has occurred.  I’ve been out on medical leave since last summer, and always had a return date for work.  First it was in January 2019, and then the last day of March 2019.  (Nothing fatal, just a health situation that is taking a bit longer to “fix” than originally thought, and as I was planning to retire in July of this year, I just moved things up.)

There were “return to work” dates in my head.  Having those dates is very different than having a seemingly infinite time that retirement provides.  No schedule, no obligations to a job – just my life.

I feel as if I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon – which I have done from different vantage points – and the experience is heady and scary!  The bottom of the Grand Canyon is a long way down – and the view to the other rim is miles and miles away.  The river is to be traveled.  The sky is vast and filled with stars and clouds and songbirds and ravens and raptors.  What adventures await?  That is up to me to decide as much as is in my power.

The freedom is the most exciting part – the freedom to choose to do something or not do something.  The freedom to be lazy, to read, to take a walk, to have lunch with a friend, to chat on the phone, to write, to paint, to draw, to do photography, to dig holes in the yard (that has to wait – too much rain!), to shop, to bake, to cook, to sew, to design, to think, to live, to wait, to plan, to anticipate.

All of this is sprawled out like a puddle of water, an ocean, moving into nooks and crannies that have been ignored in face of the 10-11 hour work day when the only options are get up, drink coffee, have breakfast, get washed and dressed, drive to work, work, shove lunch in my face while I work, work some more, drive home, have dinner, clean up after dinner, go to bed.

Don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed my job, but I was tired of the lack of time for myself, to be with family and friends, tired of feeling every moment in my life belonged to someone or something else (the job, my students, my responsibilities at work) or spent on the daily chores of living (dishes, cleaning, bills, budgeting).  To savor anything personal had a pressure on it to do it quickly and efficiently so there would still be time for another activity.  Personal relationships were nearly impossible to maintain, even at home.  I think my health also suffered because of 5 years of this crazy schedule – so I got to practice for retirement with medical leave and enjoy some time of my own.

And now, I own my time except for what my biological clock and fate has in store for me.  It’s something I treasure every day.