The past work year has been very high stress because of the people involved. I don’t handle stress well from a physical perspective. I internalize everything, and the result is a chronically upset stomach and labile hypertension. The fact that I could work 20 hours a day and still be behind does not help. This makes me feel guilty. And that just kicks off another cycle of stress and anxiety. Other people’s horrific behavior doesn’t help. Needless to say, all of this is wreaking havoc.
This morning some newspaper had an article about the fact the brain is hardwired to look toward the future, giving us a sense of hope and belief that things will be better. Optimists do not tend to die from illnesses which kill the pessimist. (That was good news!) All my life, I have been an optimist, much to the disgust of some people. I do not see black where others might – I’ll see a shade of grey. This is the key to my survival.
The other day, a very close friend read me the riot act about how I should not let all these things affect me. It really pissed me off! And the truth, is I know I should not, but the fact is, it is impossible to not be affected by it. For some people, it is easy to let things go. Not me. I chew things over, mull, stew, intellectualize, think about my feelings, feel my thoughts. That is my process. It is slow and tedious, but it works. I’m still here.
Nonetheless, the proverbial kick in the ass was a catalyst. You see, I respect this person’s perspectives. In my mind, I know I should not let these people upset me so much, but in my heart, they do. I have been drowning in this mess, and now it is time to swim toward shore.
Visually, I love pictures with paths. Paths down to the beach. Paths leading to a corner. Paths leading up a hill. Paths lead places, and what awaits around the corner is always exciting and new. Yeah, you may not like it when you get there, but c’est la vie. The key is knowing that if a path leads in, a path leads out.
So, I’ve reminded myself of that one fact. I’m trudging up a path, away from where I am now, and heading in a new direction. I’m short of breath and winded, but not dead. My mind still functions, my emotions are intact. I’m still an optimist, still looking for a new adventure, even if a bit nervous about it. I may not be able to control the external events, but the internal ones I can rein in, and remember this as I head toward another horizon.
Ink, Yarn & Beer 